​We all have the experience of making New Year’s resolutions, promises, and intentions for new beginnings in parts of our lives. And then, we don’t follow through. How can we make this year different? Let’s explore aligning the depths of who we are with what we really want. What if we choose well-being goals as well as practical ones that affect our whole health? Our well-being not only helps us, but benefits everyone around us. As Tim Kasser says, “Intrinsic” pursuits encourage people to become who they really are and to deeply connect with other people and the broader world.” Enjoy this little video with Ellen De Generes and children to see how much we can learn from their joie de vivre. Also, be inspired by some words of wisdom from Michelle Obama’s new book Becoming. These can support us with motivation for our own dreams, goals, intentions and changes. 

​New Year is a social construct that many people have agreed on.  It is palpable as a time for new beginnings.  And why not?  Let’s use this time to make changes that we really want.  Here are some thoughts about what Ellen De Generes (and children), and Michelle Obama can teach us, and some practical suggestions for follow through.

• Have fun, nurture your passion and enthusiasm.   I know that life is not always fun but we can lighten up a bit, laugh and learn to enjoy the process of change. We can even find acceptance for our negativity, our resistance and use these feelings to move forward anyway. I have received support lately to help me move from resistance and lethargy to fun filled action learning about social media. Rachel Moore and Ame Stanko are my heroines. They both agree on a saying that says, “the (fill in the blank with the activity) that isn’t fun, won’t get done.”

             Suggestion: ​  Think of one ‘resolution’ that would be fun to help you with your health and                  well-being either physically, emotionally, mentally, or spiritually. Write down the date and                  time you will do this in your planner. 

• Use relationships to help support you and help you with accountability.  Ellen and the children are not alone. They have had support from many to be where they are today. And, it is the relationship between Ellen and children that create a synergy that we can all enjoy.  We all need assistance and encouragement at times to help us move forward. Michelle Obama says, “My friends made me whole, as they always have and always will. They gave me a lift anytime I felt down or frustrated…” Being with friends, family, or therapists who can listen, support, inspire, and share our space as we explore ourselves and our ideas for change is essential. Notice in your life how much you will show up for a friend. Will you show up for yourself equally?

             Suggestion:​  Choose one person or several to whom you can talk about your progress                        and who can help hold you accountable for what it is you want.  Write dates and times                          that  you will meet with this person to review your forward motion. 

• Renew that freshness of youth, of being present in the moment.  “This very moment is the perfect teacher, and, lucky for us, it’s with us wherever we are.” Pema Chodron.  Whatever that moment IS, is all that you have.  Notice the moments with Ellen and the children – spontaneous, funny, engaging, some without a common language.  How do you want to feel, what do you want to be thinking about?  What do you want to be doing? This is the only moment you have to make those decisions.  Your empowerment is in that moment to make your choice. It is the moment that we can go beyond our habits, and conditioning, when we think we don’t feel like it, etc. etc. Whatever our thoughts, emotions, and sensations are telling us, there is a deeper knowing that can override our habitual way of being.  It might take effort – until it doesn’t.

             Suggestion:​  Keep improving your noticing of the moment. Set a timer to go off periodically               to check in with self. It truly is your moment of power to choose something different and                      create new pathways. 

• Create a new habit by starting slowly.  Michelle Obama said, “Life was teaching me that progress and change happen slowly.” When we are trying to change our habitual way of doing things, it is helpful to start slowly and build up.  Even if you set aside 5 minutes a day for Activity X, it is achievable.  Then increase the frequency and the habit is more likely to stick over time.

​           Suggestion:  Choose one activity from your ideas for change and earmark it for a certain                     number of minutes.  As you follow through, increase the amount of time or frequency each                 day.

• Relaxation.  Like the boy in the video, who talks about sitting under a haystack with a straw in his mouth, we need to learn to relax. It is as important as eating well, exercising and sleeping well. Ultimately, we have to create these well-being times for ourselves. 

             Suggestion:  Choose one way that you helps you to relax throughout the day and/or at the                end of the day. Meditate, go for a walk, listen to relaxing music. Play a game on your                              phone.Set your watch to go off periodically to remind you to breathe.  

What stops us and how can we move forward in spite of ourselves? What slows us down is going up against our habitual programming, family and cultural conditioning, fear and other ways that we have uploaded information into our system.  When we want to change, frequently we butt up against resistance to this change. It is a natural process that we can override by doing some of the suggestions above. For each idea you have, note in your planner the day and time you will do this.  It really helps with the follow through! Above all, keep going with a spoonful of perseverance, patience and self-compassion.

“New Year’s Resolutions” aren’t just about setting intentions and goals. They are about re-examining what is really important to you intrinsically, and setting your direction on integrating who you are with what you want to do. Integrating your ‘being’ and ‘doing’, the practical with the aesthetic, the balance of physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual. And, as Michelle Obama reminds us, “The journey doesn’t end.” The pay off is you feel better about yourself and you can make a difference in the world from a deeper place.  If you need extra help, please don’t hesitate to contact me.  Supporting you to empower yourself…

​ The holidays are here and that usually means spending time with family. Some of these people we connect with easily and we are so happy to see them.  Others are not quite so easily received.  Whether it be old patterns, habits, unresolved issues, our thoughts and feelings are not in a place that supports our well-being and connection with self and others that we might want.  Also, the unsettling times in which we live can tend to exacerbate worry, anxiety, resentments, anger and a myriad of other thoughts and feelings that are difficult to manage.  Here are 4 pointers to help you get along with relatives during the holidays.

 The good news is that we can actually use these so called negative emotions and thoughts as a catalyst for change.  Why?  Because they disturb us and get in the way of the flow of well-being and connection.  Let’s see how this works.  Think of someone you will be seeing who triggers negative emotions and/or thoughts in you.  There is usually an experience or multiple experiences that then leads to a story about these events.  Depending how far back this story goes, or how deeply hurt and confusing the pain was, there are imprints in your body that re-create the sensations and they become activated in you like turning on a light switch.
Here are 4 ways of helping us with these triggers during the holiday season and beyond…

1.  Be mindful of your inner life.  It is trying to get your attention.  Just notice and name what is happening.  (For example, when I think of Humperdinck, I feel angry, I remember what he said/did, I feel my heart close).  Recognizing what is happening can empower you to make choices about what you will say, what you won’t say, how much time you will spend with this person, etc.  Accept that these feelings, sensations and thoughts are happening.  This doesn’t mean that you like them, but when you fight with reality, you lose.  It is much more empowering to realize what IS at that moment and make a conscious choice about how you will handle the next moment.  In this way, we can learn how to respond rather than react.
2. Move the body.  Walk, go the gym, go to yoga.  Do something that fits your personality and schedule.  Sometimes during stressful times, the activities that help us the most get put by the wayside.  Since, the body and the psyche hold memories that get reactivated when we are triggered, moving both physically and emotionally help us to be in flow of energy rather than sitting in and accumulating energy that then  gets stuck.
3. Get support.  We are social animals and it can help to talk to a trusted other whether it be family, friend, therapist, life coach who will listen and help you process and explore what is going on with you.  You can also journal your thoughts and feelings, draw or paint, express yourself in ways that work for you.  Letting go of old patterns, old feelings and thoughts that no longer serve us creates space for peace, equanimity, and well-being.  “Guilt, regret, resentment, grievances, sadness, bitterness, and all forms of non-forgiveness are caused by too much past, and not enough presence.”  Eckhart Tolle.  Use these states of mind/emotion as a catalyst for change.
4.  Be kind to yourself.  Self-compassion is especially important during difficult times and the holidays.  Be your own best friend.  What would your best friend say to you when you are feeling down, stressed, confused?  Be that friend to yourself.  We all have a certain self-talk that doesn’t serve us well, mostly inherited.  With awareness, we can change that to be helpful to be helpful to ourselves.

All in all, the holidays and unsettling times are sign posts that can help us with our healing and growth.  The process can be painful and uncomfortable but ultimately will improve our sense of well-being which has a ripple effect out into the world.  As we create peace in ourselves, we create peace in the world.  “Be the change you wish to see in the world”.  Ghandi. I hope these 4 pointers help make this holiday your best ever!  If you need extra support, I am here to help you on your journey.

By Lynn Francis
There is a story of a man walking down the beach and he sees thousands of starfish on the shore.  A woman is picking them up one at a time and putting them back in the water.  The man says to her, “there are so many starfish here, how do you think you can make a difference?”  She picks one up as she puts it in the water and says “I made a difference to this one.”  And she picks up another and says “and this one too”.  (adapted from The Star Thrower, by Loren Eiseley.)   Some of us make a difference in smaller, deeper ways and others in big, broad ways and everything in between.

Probably most of us, if not all of us entered the field of education in some capacity because we wanted to make a difference– not because we needed any old job.  We loved the students, the diversity, and for many, the travel.  We flourished in gathering resources, methods, techniques, activities at workshops and conferences, and shared and collaborated with others.  We returned for graduate studies and/or presented our own workshops, created curriculum in a never ending force of creativity, joy and hard work.  We developed friends and were guided by mentors.  And then…after a period of time…

Disillusionment hits us.  As defined by James C. Price of Refresh Leadership, disillusionment is simply…” the displeasure in discovering something isn’t as it was expected, from life situations to personal relationships to career paths.”   And, perhaps, disillusionment is just developmental as we struggle to accept reality on its terms integrating our own sensibilities with our experiences at the workplace.

As we spend time and grow in an institution, at some point we start noticing some of the policies, decisions, hiring practices, seemed highly unfair, repressive, oppressive, ridiculous.   Contracts, class closures, assignments, number of hours you can work or sub, do not match up with how we think things should be.  Presidents, deans, managers come and go bringing with them different and conflicting decisions.  Some go by the letter of the law, some by the spirit of the law.  Isolation patterns set in without opportunities to meet regularly with other teachers.  Appreciations and acknowledgements fall by the wayside.  Perhaps these are some of the signs of disillusionment you have wrestled with and tried to make sense of.  But wait!  There is hope!

The opportunity for self-growth and a greater understanding of our place in the world at a deeper more meaningful way has the possibility to be birthed.  The direction I found for reconciliation of having this amazing job along with the disillusionment of what was mentioned above was basically to know myself better and understand my surroundings.  I needed to know what I wanted in a job, what I was passionate about, what depleted my energy and what invigorated me.  I needed to know my personality type which I must say has been extremely helpful (INFP if you are familiar with the Myers-Briggs Personality Profile).  I needed to understand myself spirituality and move towards that which was fulfilling, connecting, inspiring, (the soft skills).  I also needed to understand my emotional make-up, projections onto a company and other people.  My own reactions, perceptions, expectations and beliefs were contributing to my own stress and distress.
With increasing self-knowledge I have choices to make changes.  I can find support.  I can make the decisions about what to get involved in (committees, curriculum development, workshops) and how much time I want to spend.  Some people enter more fully into the company and that becomes their full time vocation.  Many adjuncts opt to have second careers so to speak.  I became a therapist/life coach. We all make our own decisions about how to have a meaningful career within imperfect systems.

Education is the field that we have chosen.  It is a highly creative field.  Self empowerment comes from knowing who we are and that we have choices. Disillusionment fades as gratitude for what is already fulfilling, creative, and working well increases.  Creating balance in our lives becomes a priority – mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically.  Finally, a reconciliation, a synthesis and integration of who we are and what we do happens with increased awareness as we find meaningful ways to try to make a difference. We learn to accept what we can change and what we can’t, with the wisdom to know the difference (the Serenity Prayer) - finding fulfillment, peace and happiness from the inside out in whatever environment we find ourselves in.

A close relationship with a significant other offers connection, love, fun and a special bond.  It also seems to bring about conflict, lack of communication and patterns that can erode the relationship leading to complacency, settling, or separating.  We enter into this bond with the best of intentions and expectations whether it be an arranged marriage (still happening) or whether we choose a mate ourselves. 

With different levels of consciousness, differing personalities, cultures, changes as we mature and age, how do we continue to grow with our partner over time in a healthy way?  We all bring our unconscious, unprocessed needs, wants, and patterns into our closest relationship.  This is normal.  The good news it can be seen as an exquisite adventure to explore yourself, your partner and the interaction of the two.  You are creating a dyad that has never been created before!

  A close relationship with a significant other offers connection, love, fun and a special bond.  It also seems to bring about conflict, lack of communication and patterns that can erode the relationship leading to complacency, settling, or separating.  We enter into this bond with the best of intentions and expectations whether it be an arranged marriage (still happening) or whether we choose a mate ourselves. 

With different levels of consciousness, differing personalities, cultures, changes as we mature and age, how do we continue to grow with our partner over time in a healthy way?  We all bring our unconscious, unprocessed needs, wants, and patterns into our closest relationship.  This is normal.  The good news it can be seen as an exquisite adventure to explore yourself, your partner and the interaction of the two.  You are creating a dyad that has never been created before!

The underlying challenge in relationships is that we want to be seen, heard and understood more than not.  However, our learned ways of relating get in the way of this.  There are 4 major conflicts and antidotes as identified by Dr. John Gottman during his 35 years of researching couples.  He calls these 4 conflicts the Four Horsemen.

The goal is to interrupt the patterns and eliminate the Four Horsemen by replacing them with an antidote.  (All examples below are from John Gottman, Ph.D.)   Each horseman is what many of us have learned to say while the antidote is a way to take responsibility and stay connected.  The Four Horsemen and antidotes are:

•       Criticism – Use a gentle start-up
•       Defensiveness – Learn to take responsibility
•       Contempt – Describe your own feelings and needs
•       Stonewalling – Do physiological self-soothing

In the following examples, changing our language from negativity to the antidote of feeling heard and staying connected is essential.

Criticism

Criticism is about finding fault and defects in your partner.  We grow up in a society of fault and blame.  It is in our language – ‘you made me angry.’  Though we don’t deny the necessity for constructive feedback, in relationship, criticism is often covering up a need or desire, present or past that is not being met. 

Example:      
Criticism:  You always talk about yourself. 
Antidote:  I’m feeling left out by our talk tonight.  Would you please ask me about my day? OR I would like time to tell you about my day as well.

This is an extremely vulnerable way to speak to our partners that becomes more comfortable and empowering with time.

Defensiveness

Defensiveness is about feeling like a victim or being self-righteous as a protection.  It pushes away a confrontation or disagreement.  I remember reading a parable about a monk who lived near a town.  One day the townspeople came to him accusing him of fathering a baby saying he needed to take care of the baby.  Rather than defending himself, he took the baby.  Years later, the townspeople learned he wasn’t the father and asked for the baby back.  He gave the baby back without defense.  This might be an extreme story, but it is easy to see how quickly we want to defend our position in situations.

Example:      
Defensiveness:  It’s not my fault that we are always late, it’s your fault.
Antidote:  Well, part of this is my problem. I need to think more about time.

Notice how quickly defensiveness arises when we think that we are right, or have been wronged, or the other person just needs to ‘get it’.

Contempt

Contempt is when one feels a sense of superiority.  We grow up with this sense of duality of right/wrong, us/other, better/worse.  When this shows itself in relationship it is not helpful.  According to Gottman, “Contempt is the greatest predictor of divorce and must be eliminated.”  Couples need to build their relationship on respect and appreciation and be able to state their own needs and wants.

Example:      
Contempt:  You’re an idiot.
Antidote:  I felt hurt about not being included in the call.  I need to be given an opportunity to express my views.

Stonewalling

Stonewalling is both physiological and psychological.  It means withdrawing physically and/or emotionally from the interaction.  It has also been referred to as the ‘fight or flight’ response.  It can manifest as silence, changing the subject, or leaving.  The problem is when there is no repair, nor resolution. 

Example:      
Stonewalling:  (Not apparent with words but with above behaviors.)
Antidote:  Self-soothing in order to stay emotionally connected to partner.  This might be leaving for a period of time but with the implicit statement about when and where the conversation will continue.

To re-connect emotionally with our partner may take some processing on our own or with trusted others so that we minimize denial, repression or other ways of keeping the feelings locked.   We want to decrease the unhealthy patterns and increase the healthy ones.

All of this is retraining of models learned long ago.  In this relationship we are breaking the intergenerational patterns that are not healthy.  We learned them in relationship and we create new ones in relationship, increasing closeness, connection and intimacy.

You might notice there is a lot of ‘you, you, you,’ in the patterns and the antidotes are an awareness of self and a vulnerable ‘I, I, I’ with needs and wants.  We empower ourselves and the relationship by taking personal responsibility for our part in the misunderstandings

As we pay attention, we notice these patterns arising more easily.  It is in that moment that we are empowered to change if you so choose by picking the antidotes rather than the Horsemen.  It becomes easier with practice and, actually, at times humorous.  Enjoy the process!